...

am i just not capable of finishing anything...am i a loser...this person that will always fail...this person that will always be wrong...how dare i think that i could possibly accomplish anything...do anything right

are you even going to finish it this time...because everytime i try (to help) your never done...

thats what she said to me...

my writing sucks...but eh...you dont have to read it

So here i am once again thinking...oh wouldnt it be fun to write again...to get my thoughts out in a blog. But just like before i have nothing to say...nothing i can put into words. I really am not the best writer..in fact i struggle with it a lot..but i love to do it at the same time. I know that doesnt make sense.

I am going to once again try though...no matter how bad they are...how grammatically incorrect (something i struggle with to this day, so im going to avoid it as much as possible for now). I am just going to write about anything and everything. I would set a goal like write something everyday but with six college classes (five upper division) i dont have that much freedom in my average day. But i am going to try...even if its something pointless and random...something not even i understand...it will be here...with a title and a date...it will be here.

i guess one post in the future could be my thoughts on the three dot system (...), and what it does for my creativity

Am I doing something wrong in my life

Why is it people only call when they need something...or get my hopes up and then ditch me...do they honestly think...oh its ok...she will understand...she will always be there...

Its true though...i will always be there for someone that needs me...that is if i am able to...it brings joy to my life to know I helped in some way...but why is it so easy for people to use that generosity...that love...i never expect anything in return...not even a smile...although it is wonderful to get one...


I have this friend...ive known her for years and years...we lost touch after highschool but found each other a few years later...we would joke and talk for hours...watch random movies...or just hang out at a coffee shop...it was like no time had passed...she decided that she needed to get out of utah for a bit...thats understandable...so she went abroad teaching english for 6 months...we both were so busy..and the time difference was a killer...but about a month before she got home we talked almost everyday...i would stay up til 3 and 4 am even though i had to work at 7...we had so many plans...so many little random things we were going to do...a couple other friends occasionally joining in the fun...so she arrived back home..i stayed up til i heard she made it home safe...something i do for all the people i care about...

at this point you might be wondering why your reading this...and honestly i dont know...im just typing...trying to make sense of this whole thing...but there is still more to this story...

so she has been back for a few months now...and i havent seen her once...and its killing me...a week after she arrived back home we made plans to just hang out...trust me the two of us hanging out is an adventure...but she never showed...there were apparently other friends she needed to see first...ok...i understand...so we made plans for another time...this time we were going to meet at my work when i got off for lunch or something...usually the something ment tasty drinks at barnes...so my shift was over and she wasnt around...so i sat around chatting with coworkers...and reading books...i tried to call a few times...no answer...finally after a couple hours i decided she wasnt coming...so i went to luch by myself...her excuse was she forgot and fell asleep...it hurt...but how could i be mad at her for falling asleep...we didnt make plans again for a while...she got really busy with her job and dating...but we still talked often...she would tell me about all the guys she is going out with...and how big of a culture shock it is coming back to utah...and i would talk to her about all the other people in my life that have flaked out on plans...she would always say how awful it is that people would do that...and that she would never do that to me...

wow...im sorry i really am just rambling...its almost over i promise...

she finally suggested a day for us to try and hang out again...she had plans all week except for on tues...i had nothing going on so i said ok...we can just hang out at my house around 7 and watch movies...something we quite enjoy..."i promise i wont flake out on you"...dangerous words for her to say...but i believed her...i was upstairs getting ready when my phone rang...no one bothered to answer even though it was just a few feet away...it was her...no message...so i tried calling back...no answer...i waited an hour and tried again...no answer...by this time i felt humiliated...my family knows that people ditch me...flake out on me...forget they made plans to see a movie with me and then tell me when we hang out how wonderful it was and i have to go see it...so there i was on the couch about to burst into tears...hours later i get online and see the message...im sorry but i am going to flake out on you...no reason...no excuse...

today she got online and talked with me...saying how sorry she is...that no one ever tells her things...and she found out last minute that she had this family thing...that she didnt answer my calls because she felt so bad and so embarrassed that it happened...the funny thing is i would have understood...things happen...plans change...but this just pissed me off...and i dont know if its worth it anymore...i dont know what to do...she really has been one of my greatest friends for so many years...

people are always telling me that i should just stop being around the people that do things like this to me...but really thinking about it...if i did that...all i would have left is myself...and that should be enough...

How silly of me

how silly of me

to actually get excited

to get my hopes up

this happens every time

and yet I still think

things will change

this time will be different

how silly of me

I dont know...im sorry

I dont know whats going on I feel like the world is moving and im not...everything is just passing me by...im screaming but it just doesnt stop...I honestly dont know why I havent been around for a while...its not like I couldnt make it to things its just I didnt and dont know why...I just want to cry but cant...I just want to talk to a friend but none of them seem to respond...and I dont know what to say...how is it you can be surrounded by people and still feel so alone...I feel like im in the middle of a crowded square screaming and no one even looks up...no one even takes the time to stop...